Primate came out and I immediately thought of Jordan Peele’s Nope and its killer ape b-plot. That was the best part of the movie really. Not that it was bad. It’s just that part was the most intense and memorable for me. I’m guessing that Johannes Roberts – director of 47 Meters Down and its sequel – either thought the same thing and decided to develop the idea into a feature film, or he just had one of those Hollywood moments where two nearly identical ideas are developed for the screen at the same time. Either way, I watched it as part of my efforts to watch at least 31 new-to-me horror movies this October. Let’s get into it, shall we?
Lucy returns to her family home in Hawaii with a couple of friends (well, a friend and a friend-of-a-friend surprise guest who is somewhat unwelcome). Her younger sister still lives with dad at their beautiful cliffside house. It is remote and they have a pet chimp because why wouldn’t an author have a pet chimp in a state that specifically prohibits citizens from owning primates by law? As we see in the get-to-the-good-stuff-now-or-my-TikTok-addled-mind-will-wonder flash-forward cold open, Ben, the man in a chimp suit, is rabid and murderous. Oh, no! Will the young women, kid sister, dad, and some drunk guys they met on the plane they called and asked to come “fuck their brains out” survive or end up like the veterinarian from the first five minutes of the movie?
Apparently, Roberts was pretty proud of the fact that they used mostly practical effects during the press tour for the film. I applaud that! And I thought the animatronics for Ben’s facial movements were great. But… we’re watching a guy in a monkey suit and it’s impossible not to think otherwise. (i know it’s an ape suit, don’t get uptight) It really takes one out of the immersion of the film to keep clocking that fact. That’s not the last nit I will pick though. Why is Lucy’s friend’s friend there too? She booked a seat next to them and is staying at the family house, but Lucy is surprised by the addition after they’re already on the plane? She must have been waiting in the terminal. Did she hide behind garbage cans until boarding? Stupid. And Ben’s strength is adjusted to fit the moment rather than just being the strength of a chimp. Chimps are fucking STRONG. Ben is that strong sometimes and then other times he struggles while wrestling with someone, playing high stakes tug o’ war, or he gets stunned by a weak punch. Come on. If it were because Ben has some good left in him, that’s not explicit enough. And the story loses a little nuance by not emphasizing that good/diseased struggle. It’s what makes the book version of Cujo so heartbreaking. And then we have the girls (well, 3 young women and 1 girl) keeping clear of Ben by staying in the pool. That’s clever! Rabies is literally hydrophobia. But what’s not clever is treading water and/or risking getting out to grab a floaty when the damn pool is an infinity pool on the side of a fucking cliff. Just go grab that side and keep an eye on Ben, dumbasses! Ugh. Then the bros show up and just walk right in yelling and carrying on. Who does that? And besides chimps being illegal to own in Hawaii (if you’re not a zoo), there is famously no rabies in Hawaii! This is even mentioned in the movie but it’s never explained how a mongoose got it and gave it to Ben. There was just too much dumb shit and poor decisions made in this film for me to enjoy it.
The Final Cut: Primate is illogical to the point of stupidity. The man in a chimp costume not quite convincing the audience that he’s not just a man in a costume is the least of this clunker’s problems.
